Disconected from other K students

NOTE: Please don't mis-interpret my journaling. This is meant to be observational, not judgmental.

So, I definitely feel distanced from the other students here in terms of schedule since most of them go to bed sometime between midnight and 7am. My roommate went to bed shortly before I got up this morning.

I also feel distanced from them in terms of motivations and interests though. It feels weird to say that I have spiritually developed, but I have been focusing a bit of the Tolstoy-ish/Gandhi-ish 'how to live a good life, how to be a good person, how to do the right thing' kind of questions. This means I don't find as many jokes funny, since I see now that a lot of them are made at the expense of others. I also am watching my own words and action, and, inspired by yogic practices, and am both noticing when others say things which are unnecessary, cruel, or untrue (which I am finding is surprisingly often, and is very annoying, to just hear people talk when they have nothing to say), and I am noticing when I myself say things that are unnecessary, cruel, or untrue. Paying attention to this really makes me realize how little it is necessary to say. I often wonder, if I was not in the room, would my roommate still make the comments or noises he does about his video games? They are not comments directed at me, but what meaning can he have in making these sounds other than to catch my attention and attract my inquiry? This brings me to another point: purpose. So much of what is done seems to be wasted energy, action without purpose. I see this as potentially serving both for a justification for non-violence (since I see retribution as a waste of energy {after accidentally stepping on someone's shoe on the bus the other morning I was hit in the shoulder. However, I was hit after I had already stepped off the shoe. So, what reason did that person have to hit me?}), and a good reason to not say things with no meaning.

My desire to be productive, to be active, and to learn seems to be much stronger than those around me. A lot of my peers play video games, go out drinking, and... well, I honestly don't know what they do with a lot of their time. I usually try to focus on things that have more benefit than immediate pleasure or satisfaction. I want things that will add to my knowledge, or improve me as a person. I hardly ever enjoy just sitting in a room with someone. It usually feels like a waste of time. If it is a good friend of mine then I will spend that time with them, or if I have a good conversation with someone then it feels good, but without a good conversation or a good friend in the equation, I feel like my time would be better spent doing something else. So many of the times I have spent with other K students here people here have just been filled with empty talk. No real information and been exchanged, no growth or change has happened, and much talk has been about nothing. I often find myself not enjoying these kinds of social situations. Many of the people here I have never has a real conversation with, so I really don't know who they are beyond their age, sex, name, and what I find out through casual interaction and observation. I do try, though. Every time I find myself alone with someone I try to learn why they are, what they like, what kind of person the are and what kind they want to be.

I would love to socialize more, but I really don't find myself 'clicking' with the people here very often. The differences of alcohol and sleeping patterns are a big factor, I think. I really do miss having more people around (funny thing to say in a city of 15 million, even with the language barrier). This often leaves me to be alone. For recreation, when I am alone I enjoy reading books (good or classic literature or a non-fiction work), watching documentaries (or good fiction film, something which, as I grow older, I am discovering is almost unknown to my age group), or, best of all, learning a new skill or practicing and improving current skills. I learned martial arts, juggling, and some gymnastics when I was in the US, but doing these things along is not very enjoyable compared to practicing them with a dedicated community. Skill-learning alone is something that gets boring or discouraging fairly quickly, and I don't know of an easy-access community for me to join. (I've already searched for martial arts, juggling, and gymnastics all over the city) With no classes available right now (I'd love to listen to some good lectures), and a severe limitation on English-language books my ability to learn is pretty damn hindered. I really want to read The End of Poverty and Small is Beautiful, which introduces the concept of 'Buddhist economics', or some Dalai Lama books, but they are not available in bookstores in China, and to buy them online and have them sent to China would be so expensive. I could take another two week vacation for that much money. Seriously, the exchange rate and purchasing power over here is that much different.

Yeah, with my aversion to video games and just sitting around and 'spending time with people' without not actively doing anything, I feel pretty cut off from most of the K students.

But lets focus on some positive things too. I don't want you to think that I am just dying over here. Granted, this week has had me feeling pretty, sick and isolated, but I am always pleased to lie down in bed in the evening. Why? Tolstoy. I am still listening to the audio book of War and Peace, and even with the slow progress of only a few chapters each night, it is still very enjoyable. Also, my time in front of the computer at INBAR has given me an easy excuse to read lots of news online. My Poly Sci teacher from Kalamazoo would be so proud. Although the internet connection is WAY too slow for me to get access to the Democracy Now videos, I find the Christian Science Monitor to be a really good paper, and that combined with the good old NY Times is serving me pretty well. I am considering adding the Washington post and The Economist to my list of regularly read news though, just to round it out a bit. Other good things? Without Chinese classes regularly, and with all the K kids speaking English all the time I feel as though my Chinese is worse than it was two weeks ago. To counter this I've decided to start learning a new word or two every day. Since starting at INBAR I've learned 'to shake hands', 'to hold hands', 'bones', 'deposit', and 'to save money'. It is not much, especially compared to what I would learn if I was taking Chinese class, but it feels good to be making improvements.